Christmas without you
by greeny-blue lights
Summary: My contribution to the Christmas extravaganza! Gibbs' Christmas is painful...without that familiar red-head. Spoilers for Judgement Day....enjoy! Jibbs One shot


* * *

**I decided to join in the Christmas extravaganza. So here is one of my Christmas stories! Hope you enjoy it! **

**Note: It should be pretty angsty. And spoilers for Judgement Day!**

**Disclaimer: I would like NCIS for a Christmas present please! I got the Season 3 disc....but still**!

**

* * *

**

Gibbs slumped on to the boat as he slurped down another shot of bourbon. He was drowsy, yes, he was drunk. Yet the alcohol did not dispel the pain and sadness he felt.

Every year since the death of Shannon and Kelly, Christmas was hard. Each Christmas brought memories of them opening presents and laughing back into his head. That made Gibbs' long for them even more, each Christmas was literally their deaths happening again. All over again.

Yet when he met Jenny, the pain of Christmas seemed to go away. Jenny made Christmas liveable again. Usually, the two of them would go out to dinner, talking and laughing.

There was one occasion several years back, before Paris, when Jenny had attempted to take the meal into her own hands. She had prepared a stuffed turkey with a salad and roast vegetables, along with a slightly weird pudding. Gibbs had taken a bite of that pudding, and literally choked to his death. They ate chocolate ice-cream (Jenny's particular favourite) instead of the pudding. Yet the best part of that dinner was the candlelight flickering on Jenny's face, her glowing happiness. And when she leant over the table to kiss him ever so lightly after the ice-cream, he could taste the chocolate still lingering on her lips.

The next year was Paris. That was the best Christmas that Gibbs ever had…apart from the ones with Shannon and Kelly. Jenny and Gibbs went out for dinner, firstly because they were undercover, and secondly because the memory of last year's pudding along with Jenny's incident of nearly setting the apartment on fire (the turkey had just made it out safe). The dinner was exquisite…after all, they were in France.

* * *

_(__Flashback)_

_Jenny lounged in the chair, her soft red curls tumbling down slightly below her shoulders. Her milky skin was illuminated by the flickering candlelight._

"_This better than last year's dinner, Jethro?" she asked as they tucked into the main meal. Gibbs smiled, knowing that Jenny knew his answer._

"_Maybe I would have liked last year's better if the pudding didn't taste so unique," he murmured. Jenny laughed, amused at the half-truth._

"_But there was one part I really did like," Gibbs leant closer, "Candles really do make you look so beautiful." This caused Jenny to blush a lovely deep red, and to tuck into her meal with a new vigour. Gibbs watched her, smiling slightly. He followed her lead._

* * *

_Dessert was fantastic. A scrumptious chocolate cheesecake much to Jenny's likes and a raspberry soufflé for Gibbs. Every now and again, Jenny would steal little bits of the soufflé with her fork. Gibbs decided just to push the soufflé over._

"_Take what you want Jen," Gibbs smirked. This caused Jenny to duck her head ashamedly causing one of her curls to fall enticingly onto her face. Gibbs tucked the curl neatly behind her ear then ran his fingers through the rest of her hair._

"_Jethro," Jenny breathed softly._

"_Jen." The soufflé and the cheesecake lay, forgotten._

* * *

This memory caused Gibbs to let a small smile loose. Jenny never knew how to pace herself well.

When Jenny had come to NCIS, they were mainly involved in team dinners. Yet those were fun, Gibbs felt a sense of family. It was almost as though Tony, Ziva, Abby and Tim were the children, Jenny and himself were the parents, Ducky was the grandpa and Jimmy was a cousin. Abby would always think up pranks and fun games (and blackmail poor McGee into each one of them), Tony would make sure there was a good movie and Ducky would ensure a good story.

Yet that all stopped this year for Gibbs. Sure, Tony, Ziva, Abby, Tim, Ducky and Jimmy were having the party, but Gibbs had pulled himself out of it. He was just way too depressed.

This was the first time in years that there was no Jenny to laugh with, to talk with. When she had left him, he had felt his heart shatter. Leroy Jethro, the one who literally never cried had broken down completely that night. When she came back, Gibbs' heart had started to heal. After his short 'margarita safari' which had broken up their relationship slightly, everything began to knit back together seamlessly.

He should have known it was never going to last.

Her death. The blood pooling around her unnaturally white, bloodless skin.

Gibbs felt himself sliding to the floor, the bottle of bourbon sloshing quietly in his right hand, the sander in his left. He dropped both of them, and put his head in his hands.

He sighed deeply again. When he saw her dead on the floor, it was even worse than when Kate died. It was even worse than when she had left him a 'Dear John' letter.

Gibbs wanted to die himself. He wanted to hold the gun to his head like so many years ago when Shannon and Kelly had died. He wanted to die.

Christmas was meant to be a time of celebration, of new life. Yet all that Gibbs wanted to do now was end his own.

He lifted his gun to his head in the same pose so many years ago. The safety clip clicked.

"Jethro," Gibbs swore he heard Jenny walking down the stairs like she always did. He turned around eagerly. There was no one.

"Jethro, don't do this to yourself," Gibbs felt a hand brush his shoulder. He shivered.

"I love you, you must know that. Don't kill yourself for me."

Gibbs felt the first drops of water forming in his eyes.

"Jenny," he whispered into the air. All that answered him was silence.

"Jenny, I'll love you forever."

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed that! I'm going to write another Christmas story...but not as sad. So please read it when it comes out!**

**I'll really love you if you review!**

**Merry Christmas!**


End file.
